Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Makes A Relationship Between A Man And A Woman Toxic?

I started pondering over this subject as I came across Part II, Chapter I of Family Happiness By Leo Tolstoy. I am no expert on relationships. To be honest,  I never had any real relationship. I then thought 'what the hell! I'll anyway punctuate my thoughts in writing.

So assimilating all the vicarious experiences I had through people, books (mostly books) I think it is the very foundations of a relationship that turns it into some sort of toxic and acerbic disharmony between a man and a woman. In isolation we are in constant tussle with our-own-selves; a constant battle is going on inside. And we think and feel it is something or someone which or whom is accounted or attributed to or for, outside. So when a man or a woman goes for a fornicating relationship, they tend to put all their expectations on the very relationship, expecting it to strike a harmony in their lives, which otherwise seems impossible.  That very expectation in my opinion is the root cause of all acerbity and toxicity. If we don't give relationship such a great importance; of which it is so unworthy anyways; and dwell in our own hobbies and interests along with the relationship, giving equal importance and emphasis to every aspect of life, a relationship will turn out to be more harmonious and balanced.

Having said that I would like to add that a relationship will not only be harmonious and balanced one, but it'll also help each individual to grow and be magnanimous in their own domain.

A relationship between a man and a woman knows no boundaries. It has the power to take one down to the gaping abyss of darkness or lift one up to the zenith of total freedom, bliss and peace. Relationships give one some sort of perspective, but a fornicating relationship between a man and a woman gives one a totally unique perspective in a different dimension altogether. It is upon us how to make use of that unique perspective to our own advantage. Are we looking to explore the deep dark abyss of life or are we looking to touch pinnacles of light, bliss and freedom, through the kaleidoscope of that unique perspective (of which I have no first hand experience though) which we acquire from a relationship?  This question stands its total validity in my mind and thoughts.

Now the question arises, how to make use of a perspective which is so great and unique that it seems larger than life itself? First we have to understand that whatever we come across or encounter; nevertheless how great or grandiose it may appear or seem on the first instance is not that great and grandiose, when compared to life itself. Everything is just another part of life and not the other way around. If we understand this in mind and in heart then the possibility of basing all our hopes and expectations on 'the relationship' reduces to an abysmal zero. And when it comes to 'giving equal importance to every aspects in our lives'; we need to be more aware and create a conscientiousness in our minds. It need not to be two equals two. it can be three is approximated to two. Approximations are more radical and pragmatic when it comes down to real life (I hope you get the idea).

People talk about giving space and freedom whenever this topic is being touched upon. In my opinion these are just byproducts; given you start a relationship being aware, conscientious and basing it on close to zero expectation, knowing very well that it is not larger than life; space and freedom befalls on its own accord.

Footnote : Since the author of this piece of shit has no real life experience about a man-woman or woman-man relationship; kindly give him that benefit of doubt which he deserves. And feel free to share your own thoughts and views in the comments section below. Cheers!  


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Okay Rame...If that is what you, seriously?

  3. And please don't try to impose what you think my intent is...i will speak for myself and i know what my intent is. So if you have anything to comment about the post feel free..

  4. The are basically three modes of material nature also known as Gunas:
    Tamasic, Rajasic and Sattvic

    In broad terms they can also refer to as BODY MIND and SPIRIT.

    Our consciousness constantly evolves with varying degrees of Gunas, thus shaping perceptions and indirectly our experiences.

    Tamasic refers to the thoughts or actions related ME, I or the self. It refers to one's body and self preservation.
    e.g. fear, isolation, selfishness, destructive power of the mind.
    There is nothing wrong with such emotions, as long as these emotions are kept to ones self. Then it helps strengthens ones character. Isolation is required to drive a person inward and seek peace within himself. Anger, Destructive power should be kept within one's self, so as not to inflict it on others, rather for personal growth and seek peace within oneself.

    Rajasic energy are the thoughts which refers to the MIND, i.e. taking the personal me and connecting it with others. Rajasic qualities include emotional attachment, empathy, yielding, sharing, curiosity, intellectual discussion, appreciation, fornication

    Sattava refers to the SPIRIT, i.e. connecting to one's self with the everyone and to the ultimate consciousness. Main qualities are selfness and sacrifice.

    Why am I talking about this ? Well, it has been observed that anytime these Gunas cross paths they wreak havoc.

    Let us take the example of relationships. This is governed by Rajasic Guna. The idea of give and take. which includes emotional attachment, sharing, empathy, etc... For a relationship to be successful, this has to be on a two way traffic. i.e. two people connect with each other.
    This can be any kind of relationship, between man and a woman, between friends, etc.
    Problem arises when Tamasic or Sattvic crosses its path.
    In the case of tamasic guna, anger, isolation, which are beautiful qualities for personal growth which when seeps through relationships is the reason for your toxicity.

    e.g. Either of the couple may try to hoard the happiness by using the other strictly for fornication;
    do not share the household activities, such as Why should I do this (too much ego), let him/her do it;
    inflict anger on others rather than contain it to yourself!

    Or to Sattavic, when you are selfless and start sacrificing to the extent you lose your identity.

    Sattavic emotions are best described by a parent to their children, because parents tend to sacrifice their happiness, peace of mind and effort to their children, soldier who fights for the safety of his motherland and a sadhu who has sacrificed his very life for peace of the land.

    Relationships is a highway where shit flies in both the directions. If any one direction stops, there is your toxicity.

  5. All i am saying is that we need to give equal emphasis to all the aspects of life. We should not make a big deal out of anything for that matter. Wrong expectations, unbalanced emphasis, creates disharmony. I don't have the abovesaid categorization with me, I just wrote what i wrote from my own personal feelings and thoughts.

  6. But it was good to read your comment...